Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.
leaving my notice
This is my way of easing my guilty feelings for not writing here anymore... I need to say an official goodbye for my own sake, or I'll just keep on feeling bad for not writing in my LJ more. There are many reasons, but mainly it feels like my LJ is too related to old times and old feelings. Feelings that have been important to bring me to who I am today, but no longer are part of my everyday life. Oh, I dunno. Whatever.
The best way to keep track of me is probably through Facebook, or my mobile blog: http://tekanna.blogspot.com or email.
And Julia - my lady and I are planning a trip to London, prob around the end of October. I'm not sure which email address you use these days, but please email me at email@example.com! I want to seeeeee you!
Take care y'all.
Mood: Seeee ya!
Some days I want nothing more than to carry a child.
I'm glad I'm going out with a woman. Had I had a man in my life on days like these I would have him impregnate me instantly. Which would have been totally inconvenient, considering my non-existing finances and these damn academic ideals of mine.
Mood: Tic toc?
A lot of swearing and a little love.
There's a panicy anxiety crawling under my skin and in my head. Mostly about that fucking essay I was supposed to write a year ago. I have a thousand and one reasons for not finishing it. In the end it comes down to the choice of subject, I guess. The subject I picked a year ago didn't work. Metaphors are really exciting to think of and analyze, but looking at 1000 occurrunces of them just makes you go loopy. In the end I didn't know what was real meaning of words or what I made up as I went along...
So. Bye bye metaphor essay. New idea: Blogs as social networks. How do blog readers and blog writers make us of the comment functions in blogs? Pure commenting, dialouge or open discussion? But how the fuck do I keep this a Linguistic essay and not just social observations? I dunno. I know some one who might be able to help me. I'm a bit nervous about emailing her though, as she's sort of one of the big boys in Linguistics...
Gaaaah, old patterns, old patterns! Afraid of trying, afraid of failing. Completely ridiculous, I know. As long as I'm not ready to put some blood, sweat and tears into it, I won't ever succeed. And I'm longing for that bachelor degree, so I can go on to take some more useful courses, possibly in Psychology. The more I worry, the less I do. Emma, just enjoy it, you lazy bitch. Enjoy it and go back to being the best you in the whole wide world! Yeah, alright then.
I miss feeling great about myself! Remember who you are and what you are good at. Remember what makes you happy and go for it. It doesn't have to be a lot harder than that, does it?
Fuck. I wish I could talk like this to myself every day. Maybe I need to write more? Probably. Writing has always had a huge impact on me. I like the way it makes me think, the way it gently forces me to structure my thoughts.
I could moan a lot about money as well, easily. I'l spare you, though. Money is probably one the most tedious things ever to talk about. Instead, I'll tell you something sweet. I have a girlfriend. It's early days yet, obviously, but it feels good. She's so lovely, lovely, lovely. We get on so bloody darn well it's almost frightening. Can it be this easy to let some one new into your life? I had decided to be single for at least a hundred years, and then all of a sudden this girl came out of nowhere and charmed me. We've only met twice (she lives in Sthlm), but for 3-4 days in a row both times. Now I can't wait for our third date. ;D In the mean time, we're on the phone for hours nearly every day. Her laughter makes me all warm inside. I hope to see her soon again, this girl of mine.
And oh, btw... having a girlfriend doesn't feel weird at all. Obviously there are some differences, but none that feels weird or uncomfortable in any way. I'm just really proud to tell people I've met a girl and that my girl is amazing!
So, Emma. Remember what makes you happy. Even with that bloody essay, remember why you're doing it and never mind why you didn't finish it the last time around. Go Emma, go Emma!
And she'll tease you, she'll unease you
All the better just to please you
She's precocious, and she knows just
What it takes to make a pro blush
Mood: Emma, FFS!
singing karaoke online is so much more fun than packing!
Am going down South tonight. One of my friends from school days is getting married tomorrow, I'm so excited! And really curious of what she'll wear... Most probably something black and purple!
On Saturday I'm going to visit my little nephew for the first time. He's now 1 month old and soooo cute (not that I'm biased!).
And... it looks like I've gotten myself a girlfriend :)
And I've started over using exclamation marks!!!
I wasn't going to
but I did. And then I changed my mind.
I deleted last entry, I felt silly reading it.
F and I have decided to break completely for a while. He knows me better than anyone else and I know him better than anyone else, but we have become strangers. He's my best friend in the whole world but we need to move on and let each other go. It hurts and I miss him, but I wish him all the best. He deserves it.
There's a new star in the sky though. We haven't met yet, but we get on so well and we spend hours and hours and hours on msn, facebook and texting. Just thinking of her (yes, her!) gives me butterflies in my tummy. She's probably coming down to see me next week and I'm sooo excited. She's so lovely! Fingers crossed for this one.
Right now I'm expecting my Karlstad sofa bed to be delivered any minute! Yay!
My grandad (paternal) called me last night. I think it's the first time ever that he's contacted me directly. I don't like him. I don't know him. I'm not interested in knowing him either, he's been out of my life more than in it. When my dad had died he phoned my mum a lot. I was at her house a lot, so occasionally we spoke. He rang the day we were going to see dad for the last time before the funeral, saying he wished he could see him too. You've had fucking 56 years to see him, you bastard" was my thought. Since he came back into our lives I've treated him politely, no more, no less. My two oldest sisters know him, he was around more when they were kids, took them travelling and all. But the two of us younger sisters don't really know him at all. So therefor I had no bad feelings what so ever when he said he wanted to give me a sofa bed "because I'm a nice girl and your mum told me you sleep on the floor". I am fed up with sleeping on a mattress on the floor, but don't have the money to do anything about it. So, this morning I had xxxx SEK in my bank account, along with the comment "Sleep tight". That was so sweet, and totally something my dad could have written. That reminded me that grandad is actually my dad's dad. That moved me in some weird way.
I phoned my mum up to thank her for planting this idea in my grandad's head, and told her about my thoughts about my dad and my dad's dad and how alike they are in some ways. And mum said how alike my dad and I are. How much I remind her of him and how ever present he is in me. I got saddened and was relieved by the fact we both had to hurry off to other engagements.
The sadness struck again now, thinking of F. I saw him briefly when I was in Sthlm for work thing this weekend. We went for a lovely walk in a sunny park and it was all very romantic. Only it was what I've come to refer to as Break-Up 2.0. We agreed that we need to let eachother go, however much we love eachother. Neither of us are ready to cope with a relationship at this point of our lives and therefor we can't cling onto eachother, occupying our thoughts and hearts with eachother. We looked into eachother's eyes, feeling that certain calm you only get with a few people in this world. That calm I always feel around him. I've always fancied him like mad, but he still keeps getting more and more attractive for every year that passes. We kissed there in the park, in the sun. No one kisses like he does. Like we do. No one gets along better than we do. Even at the stage of Break-Up 2.0 we're better friends than ever. I still dream of a future with him, but I know I'm not supposed to think that, even less say it. When we went for a hot chocolate before I caught my train back home I told him that he's everything I dream of in a man and he told me I'm everything he dreams of in a girl. I guess saying that whilst breaking up isn't very healthy?
When I got back home I was feeling heavy hearted. And yet calm. It's me-time. I can meet as many men (and women) I want, without feeling guilty. And yet meeting men doesn't seem that appealing, for I know that I will compare every man I meet with F, and no one will ever measure up.
After all this, I must add how happy I am to be single. It probably doesn't sound like it, but really, I do love being on my own. I love having my own flat (and it's such a lovely flat!), answering to no one but myself. And soon I will go and buy the largest pice of furniture I've ever bought, and it's only for me!
I tend to always feel like I'm a whining and moaning bore, but this weekend my colleague told me something that made me all warm inside. She told me about how she had told her husband of what a joy it is to work with me. That my energy is contagious and how lovely it was that I'm so happy with things and content with life. At first I didn't believe her, but after thinking for a little while I was reminded of what a long journey I've made over these past three years. It's true. I am happy these days. Back then I couldn't even pronounce the H-word. I am so proud of where and who I am today. Happy.
The secret behind successful blogging is just opening the post-form and start writing... the rest will follow. Here we go.
Am sitting in an armchair, feet on the footstool. Laptop on top of lap. Shout Out Louds in iTunes. A cup of tea emptied, a muffin downed. Picking out wallpaper is haaard. There's only a certain selection (probably the cheapest one) to choose from and oh. Which one to pick? I generally prefer paint above wallpaper, but when I can get the job (including wallpapers) done for free I won't say no thank you. So, something discreet it will be. At least colour wise. But pattern wise? Subtle stripes or squares, or a grand medallion pattern? I was ready to go for medallion, but my mum says that that would be a bad idea... Then again, you should never ask anyone who's seen something go out of fashion whether it's a good idea or not... She even went as far as saying that she'd disown me if I got the medallion wallpaper. That alone would make it so much more fun to have :P
Laundry day today. The knee I fucked up in the move but thought was now recovered started messing with me again when running up and down the four flights of stairs to the laundry room... Sigh. This made me decide against the museum date I had planned with AC. Will have to make sure we actually do it next week. There are so many great museums in this town, yet I never go to any of them! Shame on me.
Am going to visit F in Stockholm Saturday next week, staying till the Wednesday after. It'll be so nice to see him again, he's my bestest friend ever. I've asked him to take me for walks in nice walking parts of Sthlm. I love Sthlm, but I rarely see the good parts when I'm there, there's usually too many people to see and things to do to arrange nice outings. It'll be lovely. The reason for going there on those particular dates is the Editors gig on the 27th. Can't wait! I'm completely hooked to their new album. (Other recent hook-ups: The Wombats, Vampire Weekend, Toots & the Maytals). And and and! What's great about going that weekend is that I will be there for the Stockholm Film Festival and the screening of Control, the film about Ian Curtis. Yay! Have you seen the trailer? If not, do it! Gives me goosebumps every time. http://www.controlthemovie.com/
There was a time when every time I started blogging I got really depressed, thinking about all the sucky things around me. These days it seems to be the other way around - when I start writing I forget the sucky stuff and remember all the niceties instead. Hah! Em vs. thought control 1-1!
no time for no monkey business
Fall is usually my favourite time of year. But suddenly it feels all winterish and I'm starting to panic. What happened to this year? Where was my summer? Where was my spring? Where was last winter? It's been an eventful year, and still is. An emotional rollercoaster. Where will it end? Even an end has a start.
I'm slowly getting settled in my new flat. I've loved it since the second i put the key in that lock and opened the front door for the first time. The landlord (can you call a huge estate company a lord?) has promised me new wallpapers and a good paintjob in basically the entire flat. Will try and get hold of the janitor tomorrow to pick out the wallpapers and paint. I'm going for a slate grey wall in the kitchen, can't wait to get it done! It'll go nicely with my red PH-lamp and the Alessi-objects I have. Will probably try and find some new fabric for the kitchen chairs as well.
Living on my own is... big. At the age of 28 I'm for the first time actually living on my own. Before now I've always lived with random people in halls, or with friends or boyfriends. Now it's me-time. A few days ago I reflected on how rarely I actually feel lonely. However - loneliness is an unmentionable. As soon as the next day I felt incredibly lonely. I guess in quite a narcissistic way too... My loneliness is rarely about me not feeling loved or not having any friends. I have lots of friends, and I love them all, but sometimes I wish there were more people like me out there. And I think I'm going to leave this trail here, as it's probably not the most flattering trail of thoughts.
And oh! Karaoke. I've finally done it - properly! Not just sharing a mic with some friends, singing some random crap, but actually on my own... doing Material Girl. It was most likely rather terrible, but I'm sure I could've done a lot worse too! Any way, it was all good fun. Now I'm knackered and annoyed with the working life - (at the moment?) I hate organising my life around something that isn't me, me, me.
I can't decide whether to keep writing here or not. I miss writing, I really do. I just can't make up my mind how much I want to share on here, since I don't have enough friends on LJ for it to be any point to make it friends only. And I totally do over-use the pronoun "I". Well, well. Things to work on.
Sitting here with a large cup of ceylon, trying to finish my final essay for the course I'm taking. It's been one of the greatest courses ever. It's called Language in an Online and Mobile world and have dealt with questions about electronically mediated communication and how it changes the ways we communicate with eachother. This course has made me even more sure of that I want to work with human communication. Some people (maybe even myself) through the years have thought of me as creative, but in fact I am much more of the analytic observer. People-watching is my preferred choice of pastime. Many have marveled over that I'm neither a film nor a book person, you're supposed to be either or. I'm not that keen on books (though I love written language (fuck, I'm such a nerd)) and there are few films that I reallyreally enjoy. No, I'd much rather just sit on a square in the center of the town, watching people. The way they walk, the clothes they wear, but most of all, how they interact with each other and their environment. Hours of fun!
Did I tell you I finally found a flat? The move is on Saturday. I am totally excited about it, but most of all I'm stressed about it. It'll be fine though. Things usually will. It's a gorgeous little flat with a large balcony with a view over the city! Spring can't come soon enough. I will turn the balcony quite green with lots of plants and flowers. I can't wait for the first warm spring evening, that balcony is made for a glass of wine and nice company.
November soon. It's been an eventful year since last November. I had the best week ever when I went to stay with sweet Julia (I miss you!), but when I came back I realized that my life wasn't what I wanted it to be even though I had changed so many things in the right direction. Doubts started to grow, major changes were made. And here I am a year later, single. Moving to a flat of my own, feeling generally quite good about things. What will happen with us no one knows, but until then we have to keep on being as happy as we possibly can. Anything else would be utterly pointless.
the old update...
Events. Quite a busy summer. As I didn't finish my essay/thesis for my BA during the semester, I have to do it now, whilst working to survive the summer. As spring was so messy for me, I really didn't get anywhere at all on it. And as I found out I can't count my English course from London towards my degree, I have to finish off an old course + take an extra course this fall = more workload. Yay. But it's what has to be done in order for me to continue with the broadening 1-year-course in Communication. And I accidentally blackmailed my employer into giving me an extra week off work in August, so that's good. It's such a sweet feeling, knowing that your employer needs you so much that you can get them to agree with pretty much any work conditions you might need, if you just say the magic words: I might have to hand in my notice otherwise. Mwoahaha.
Haven't been working this week though, as I've been helping out at the International Pragmatics Association conference that took place here in Gothenburg. In return I got fed every day, got to go to the conference viking dinner at Marstrands Fästning, got to go to loads of really fascinating lectures and got to meet soo many interesting people! All in all a great opportunity for a student of Linguistics. It has been an inspiring week!
The flat hunting continues. I registered on a website that matches my flat with what other people are looking for, and their flats with what I'm looking for. It looks like a triangle change is my best chance, ie three flats are involved in a swap, A gets B's flat, B gets C's and C get's A's. This way you get better chances at finding better flats than if you make a direct swap. At the moment I've got 12 (!!) possible changes this way and 1 possible direct swap, and most of them are pretty amazing flats!! Will start making some phone calls tomorrow, to arrange to look at some of them. Wish me luck!
F will be moving to Stockholm in about five weeks' time. He's going to do Graphic Design at Forsbergs, where he took a correspondence course this spring. He produced some pretty amazing pieces there, so I'm so happy for him, that he's finally found the confidence to know what he's good at, and to go for it. He'll make such a great a graphic designer. It'll be sad to no longer have him near me, but we both know it'll be good for us to be apart. I'll miss him terribly though.
And before he goes we'll have to split all our belongings, who gets which cd, who gets which furniture and so on. And of course I will throw him a great send-off! It will probably be the weekend after the Way Out West festival. Consider yourself invited!
So, working, thesis writing, completing other course work, music festival, becoming a proper single and hopefully moving. So, as you can see the next couple of months will be raaather busy and eventful for me.
Please bear with me! Growl growl.
Mood: okay, but in need of some wine
Try walking in my socks.
Whilst sat with a basket full av laundry, I realized that folding socks is like playing Bejeweled. Whilst folding one pair, you look around for the next pair. You want to get it done quickly, so you get a bit stressed when you don't find the next pair just by looking. It's alright though. Until you get to the bottom of the pile where all of F's socks are. What's the deal with men's socks?? At a quick glance they all look the same, but when you look closer they're all slightly different. One's got a shorter hem than the next one. Another is even more washed out than the previous one. I was lucky today though. I only ended up with one odd pair. But they were nearly the same, so I married them.
Is it weird that I'm doing my ex's laundry? It's been 2.5 months since we split up, but we're still doing eachother's washing and shopping and living pretty much the way we have for the last five years. We just talk less, look at eachother less, and hug less. It's fucking impossible to get a decent flat in this city, so since we still get on well and don't argue much, I guess the situation is as good as it can be. However, it would be reeeeally nice if we could get on with our own lives the way we long for.
Last night was a good one. I went to my brother's (yes, I've adopted a brother) house. He's done a great job with his flat, decorating it nicely. He's one of those neo-men you read about in the magazines nowadays. You know, men with good taste in clothes and interior decorating and who hug their male friends. Sweet. Anyways, he fed me lasagne, taught me how to play Guitar Hero and then I made him watch Ugly Betty and Desperate Housewives with me. We talked about big and small things, listened to good music and were generally just happy being sister and brother.
And today is my beloved darling friend Julia's birthday! Hope you have a grrrreat day with lots of cake and drinks and lurve! Wish I could be there to give you a big birthday snog :P
Mood: not all that bad
The Unbearable Fuckedness of Being
Lying in bed with the man you thought would be your future. You cry, you kiss, you talk, you cry. You're in pain. Both of you. The dreamt up future shattering before your burning eyes. You reach out, trying to hold on to those frail fragments. You're clumsy and not trying hard enough; your dreams shatter even harder. You just watch. There's not much else to do, but to watch and cry as your dreams fall down like ashes from a bon fire. There goes our dream house; there goes our children; there goes our garden where we would have barbecues for our friends and where our children would play; there goes the interior we chose together; there goes our bed; there goes our interesting lives with intellectual exchange and matrimony of the minds.
The music dies and nothing remains but pain.
my fingers remember the sensation of your skin (they tingle)
my mind swept clean of memories (it is so cold)
my body's aching for a different place to be (i'm burning up)
Nearly everyone who read the lists of adhd-symptoms seem to think that they've got it, so maybe I overreacted just a little bit... But I do have serious problems with concentration and motivation. It's fucking annoying as it gives me so much unnecessary anxiety and stress even for the littlest course work. And I'm freaking out, because this semester we don't have any exams as such, just essays to write. I'm good at writing, but terrible at getting it done. And great at putting myself down for it.
Talked to my sister last night. She recommended cold-pressed linseed oil. It's really rich in omega3, which is supposed to be great for concentration. It's definately worth a try. I should also stock up on multivitamins, I know by experience that the B's work wonders for my mood.
Stop making everything so bloody hard for yourself, you lazy sod.
Sick and tired, part 2
What is it with me and reading? Why is that I can't find the peace of mind to read? I can sit and stare at a page for minutes, without making any sense of it. My eyes are all over the place, I want to take in the whole page at once, read the middle before the start and the end before the middle. When I do get through a few pages, I barely know what I've just read. So I have to go back and read it again. Is my attention span too short?
I love information and learning, but don't seem to be capable of reading. I tend to remember lots from lectures though, especially when taking notes. This has given me high marks on many exams, eventhough I rarely read the course literature.
Do I have ADHD? Look at these symptoms! Most of them describe quite well how I generally feel.
I'm great at noticing details, but not the details asked for.
I'm a terrible procrastinator.
I forget to listen when people are talking to me.
I'm having difficulties sleeping as I think too much.
I'm constantly fidgeting.
I'm always restless, but never do anything.
Et cetera, et cetera.
Okej, detta också. Och detta.
Anxiety seems to be back in my life and I'm fucking sick and tired of it.
em <3 snow
em <3 snow angel
Mood: happy - i made a snow angel!
It doesn't matter.
"Pfizer first acknowledged cardiovascular risks associated with Bextra in October of 2004" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bextra)
My dad died in August of 2004. Bextra helped him through the horrible pains of his arthritis. And then killed him. Or did it? We'll never know and it wouldn't make a fucking difference anyway.
Tonight I'm seeing the brother I never had, Alec my dear. He's cooking me a vindaloo to sweat out all our troubles. Two cynical, scarred individuals and one vindaloo. Yes, that could work.
Jag längtar efter skärgårdar med glittrande hav och gröna träd. Salta bad, välmående. Ska det kännas så här?
Imperiet på repeat och jag längtar till tonåren, då allt gjorde ont. Man var ledsen, arg och euforisk. Och det var okej. Man var tonåring. Man hade en identitet tilldelad sig utefter åldern. Nu måste man välja själv, hitta själv. Och det är fan inte lätt.
Ge mig mera smärta, ilska och eufori.
Gör alla patetiska tidsfördriv överflödiga.
Låt mig vila.
Mood: men va fan
Vem står för fiolerna?
This song is amazing. And on repeat.
I wish I had lots and lots of money. I hate the stress of living on student loans that barely covers living costs and that I will spend a great part of my life paying back. Current debt: SEK 196 962. And with three semesters left, add another 73 000 on top of that. I shouldn't be doing this. Thinking about my accumulating debts when I'm completely (totally, utterly, fully) skint. It's not very inspiring to think about the fact that I'll be stuck with this for what seems like forever.
This was meant to be an entry tinged with hope about a bright future, but hey! This is what money worries does to you. Gaaaaaaah!!
Update: I just spoke to my boss, who got me contracted to work every third weekend! Yay! And It's most likely that I'll be able to work the whole summer as well! Yay!!
Things I wish I'd give higher financial priority:
*Getting different needles and yarns so I could get serious with my knitting
*Buying mainly organic foods
*Putting away money for travelling
*CD's (I resent myself for downloading music illegally)
*Having fresh flowers at home more often
Mood: knitting is so relaxing!
Shit, jag är modern.
Fredagseftermiddagen bjöd på after work på King's Head med världens bästa Ida. God gratismat, kall Newkie, bra sällskap. Det kan faktiskt inte bli mycket bättre än fredag när allting känns ruttet. Ruttenheter som berodde på löjligheter. Löjligheter som försvann i takt med ölen. Så ett par öl och ett par svansenmellanbenen-sms senare var alltså ruttenheten borta och ungdomligheten åter i min kropp. Och nu kommer det bästa. På vägen till Järntorget för att hoppa på vagnen hem, blev jag stoppad av en liten söt tjej med en stor kamera på 2:a Långgatan: "Får jag ta en bild på dig till min fotomodeblogg, för du har en så fin jacka" hette det. Ojojoj! "Ja okej!" Klick, klick. Jag blev alldeles till mig och kom mig inte för att fråga efter bloggens namn - har googlat och googlat hela förmiddagen, men hittar ingen blogg med en snygg Emma i snygg jacka i! Shit, jag är modern, men jag kan inte bevisa det!!
I'm ever so sorry, I was utterly bored.
What happens next nobody knows.